As an advice columnist, I receive too many letters like these names have been changed :. Anna is a woman in her 40s. She has been in a conflicted marriage for years. Her husband insists on morning sex, even though he knows it will make her late for work. She gives in to get it over with.
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As an advice columnist, I receive too many letters like these names have been changed :. Anna is a woman in her 40s. She has been in a conflicted marriage for years. Her husband insists on morning sex, even though he knows it will make her late for work. She gives in to get it over with. Tara, newly married, is upset because her husband has been having sex with her while she is asleep. He says she agrees in her sleep.
She feels violated. Caren is in her 30s. She feels she has no say about when and where she and her husband will have sex. He often refuses when she initiates. She gives in rather than have yet another fight about it. Kayla, age 18, writes that her husband regularly slaps her around and then forces her to have sex saying that he just knows she loves it.
She does love him. These women are all married. Is what their husbands are doing a form of rape? But it is rape nonetheless. Rape is forced sex. He is getting off. She is getting violated. Rape is the word for forced or coerced sex. Her husband is demanding sex despite the fact that it is inconvenient and not welcomed.
Tara is asleep! She wants to be awake, aware and involved when she and her husband have sex. Married sex, like all intimate, loving sex is consensual. It is a way that two people who love each other express love and caring and communicate tenderness. It is not one of the following situations:. Wives do not belong to their husbands. A woman does not give up her right to say yes or no the day she gets married.
Sex should be based on respect, equality, consent, caring, and clear communication. A couple can sometimes back away from hurtful sex on their own. But often, anger, disappointments and the emotional hurts that are the result of forced marital sex are so intense that it takes some specialized treatment to heal the relationship. If a couple wants to stay together in spite of an incident or pattern of marital rape, a couples therapist can help partners heal the hurts and develop a healthy way to be sexual with each other.
But if the husband refuses to take responsibility for inflicting emotional and physical pain and even feels justified in his actions, it may be that the only way for the wife to stop it is to leave. It may be frightening for the wife to cut loose, especially if she is financially and emotionally dependent on her husband.
Marie Hartwell-Walker is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. She is author of the insightful parenting e-book, Tending the Family Heart. Check out her book, Unlocking the Secrets of Self-Esteem. Marital Rape. Psych Central. All rights reserved. Find help or get online counseling now. By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. As an advice columnist, I receive too many letters like these names have been changed : Anna is a woman in her 40s.
Kayla is being physically hurt by the person who says he loves her. It is not one of the following situations: Forced sex. This should be obvious. But some men have the mistaken idea that marriage changes the rules. Sex when the wife feels threatened.
She can only comply rather than risk being harmed either physically or emotionally. Sex by manipulation. Loving sex is genuinely consensual. Sex by taking a woman hostage. Some men keep themselves in a position of superiority by controlling all the money, by making contact with friends and family difficult to impossible, or by making sure there is no way for her to get transportation out of the house.
The woman becomes a hostage in her own home. Like many hostages, she gives up and gives in to whatever he wants — including sex. Sex when the woman feels she has no choice. Hot Topics Today 1. Pt 1 and 2.
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Three years ago I had sex every single day, for one whole year. To answer the most popular questions I've been asked since: No, it was not with men. It was with one, my husband. Yes, even while I was on my period.
I have no idea what my kids were doing while we were having sex. I assume not watching us. And finally, no, I didn't do it to save my marriage. I did it to save myself, the effect it had on my marriage was merely a perk. Shortly after having my third child, I remember getting out of the shower, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and wondering, "Who let my mom in here? I kept the lights off during sex , hid my stomach and boobs inside a camisole, and I waited for my husband to leave the bedroom before barreling from the shower to my closet to get dressed.
As the years went by, the absence of my naked body began to worry me. Did my husband, Andy, even know what I looked like naked anymore? Could he draw a nude picture of me that didn't also have a giant duvet over my body or a Spanx seam running vertically down my stomach? I came up with the idea to have sex for a year after speaking with a friend who'd done just that, every night of her marriage. As routine as daylight, she and her husband had had sex every day since they'd gotten married, and they were one of the most loving, hilarious and strong couples I'd known.
Having sex every day for a year seemed obnoxious, but also an intriguing way to force myself into facing my body each day. I mean eventually, the covers would have to come off and the lights would have to stay on, right? Andy, as expected, was on board. And for a whole year, save for being parted by travel or the stomach flu, we had sex with each other.
It started off rough. I'd be standing at the sink taking out my contacts when it'd hit me I still had to have sex before falling asleep. As a work from home mom of three, the thought exhausted me. It wasn't that sex was a chore that I dreaded, but allotting time out of my day to do it felt impossible and selfish and draining.
I just wanted to lay in bed and watch The Tonight Show and eat cereal and not have anyone touch me. But as the months passed, I started looking forward to it. Sex begat more sex, and those connected, loved up feelings began to creep outside of the bedroom — or in our case, the laundry room, the closet and our garage — and into our everyday lives.
We were more romantic with each other, touching arms as we passed, kissing longer before work and not just the cold familiar peck. Our relationship was stronger and better when our intimacy was flourishing. On a personal level, the changes in the way I saw my body were staggering.
Three months in, I found myself enjoying sex again, making a playlist of songs that turned me on and was no longer hyper-aware of the sounds my curvy body was making.
Like the way my thighs clapped together or my tummy smacked his. Six months in, I took off the cami I'd hidden my body inside of, not caring that my boobs plopped off into my armpits. For the first time, I was more concerned with every part of sex that felt good than finding a flattering angle to hide my stomach or back fat.
My body was being enjoyed by the both of us, equally. A year in, I stopped wearing clothes entirely. At least, I assume that is what my kids would say. I stopped that primal run from the shower, and now lazily walked to the closet naked.
I made school lunches in my underwear, and didn't reflexively pull away when Andy came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. My relationship with my husband, and my body, had changed in amazing ways. Now, three years later, we're still having sex every single night.
I totally don't have sex with my husband every day, not anymore. Not because we're sick of each other — although I'll admit, my pelvis and thighs welcomed the rest — but because we're humans, not robots. However, the effects and lessons from the experience are still apparent in our marriage even now. First, we learned that it's hard and that's normal. The majority of people around you are not having sex every single day. They're busy being stressed at work, coordinating their kids' soccer schedules and paying bills.
Fitting sex into all of that is difficult, but for us, it's necessary. Sex is what reminds us that we're intimate partners and not just roommates in charge of keeping kids alive. Second, we learned the exact amount of sex life we need to keep us happy in our marriage, and we're able to adjust our lives around that. I no longer freak out if two weeks pass and we forget to have sex, because we work to connect in other ways.
Intimacy doesn't always mean penetration. Sometimes it's making out on the couch like teenagers, sometimes it's Andy triple checking the DVR to make sure all my fall TV shows are set to record.
We all get to decide what turns us on. The point is, the effort to show love to each other is there. Lastly, I learned that I am a better wife, a better mother and a better woman when I take the time to be secure in my relationship and selfish about feeling good about myself. I am not the best version of myself when I am insecure and panicky.
I'm basically a walking vague relationship Facebook post. I am so much more focused when worrying about my sex life is off the table. Or on the table, depending on if it's a school day and Andy calls off work. Okay, enough sex puns. Having regular sex with my husband isn't making my marriage divorce-proof or immune to infidelity or angst, but it is helping me feel confident enough in my skin to survive it if it does happen.
I used to joke that I never wanted to have to be in a position to date again, because my body wasn't "showroom ready. It was never about anyone wanting me, it was about me wanting myself. And it only took an entire year of getting laid to figure that out. Every Inch of It. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. McGowan Images.
Brittany Gibbons and her husband, Andy. Courtesy of Brittany Gibbons. I was no longer hyper-aware of the sounds my curvy body was making. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. More From Relationships.
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